


Kizuna

by orphan_account



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-18
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:02:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><img/><br/>Banner by Stormy</p><p>Jin thought that it was over. He needed to move on, to not ponder about it any longer, to not always ask himself why. That was what he thought – until he heard that Kame had disappeared. Was a bond like this really ever going to disappear completely?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey, everyone! So, I had this idea yesterday on my way to work, and it was kind of a coincidence that I could write it all down today (maybe I got sick because I needed to write? XD), but here it is ;) Enjoy chapter 1.
> 
> Insert Song: Kamenashi Kazuya - Kizuna

I knocked at Nakamaru’s door, waiting impatiently until he opened. I had decided to drop by spontaneously today after work, because I found it weird that I had been back in Japan for almost a week now, and I still hadn’t seen him. After all, he was the only KAT-TUN member left who still seemed to be willing to talk to me.

But I had to admit, he had been strange throughout the last week. Every time when I had tried to call or text him, he seemed to be ditching me, telling me he was busy or tired or whatever. It seemed almost like he was avoiding me, and it was freaking me out.

So I was glad when, after my knocking, I heard footsteps from inside, and finally, the door opened, the familiar face of my ex band member peaking outside.

“Hey!” I smiled brightly, waving at him. “Surprise!” Nakamaru smiled back at me weakly, and I frowned at him, lowering my hand. “You can tell me if I annoy you, okay?” I murmured quietly.

“No” Nakamaru sighed, making a face. “I’m sorry, it’s not you, I just… come in, okay?”

He stepped aside to let me in, and I went, frowning as I got rid of my shoes, staring at him, mustering his expression. He seemed pale and exhausted, as if something was eating on him, robbing him of sleep and energy. I didn’t like it – Nakamaru had never been the bouncy type, flashing everyone and everything a smile like Taguchi did, but still, he was not gloomy, either.

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked, standing up to face him.

Nakamaru didn’t meet my eyes. Instead, he walked past me, into his kitchen.

“Do you want a beer?” he asked me, and I agreed as I followed him.

He opened his fridge as I leaned against the kitchen counter, watching him as he got out two bottles, closing the door again before handing one to me, continuing to open the other one, all without speaking.

“You didn’t answer me” I prodded as he gave the opener to me.

“Can you just not ask?” he murmured, taking a sip of his bottle, not sounding like he had much hope that I did. I only glared at him, confirming his suspicion.

I had already lost a friend with that kind of passive behavior. I would not make the same mistake twice.

_No matter how much we consider the future_ __

“It’s complicated” he sighed, looking up at me pleadingly. “And I don’t think I’m supposed to tell you. Hardly anyone knows, you know? It’s hard to explain, and…”

“Just spit it out!” I demanded, my voice forceful. “Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad, right? I promise I’m not gonna run to the press and tell!”

I took a sip of my beer as well as Nakamaru sighed, contemplating – it looked like, though he knew he obviously _wasn’t supposed_ to tell me, he wanted to – as if he needed to talk about whatever was bothering him with _anyone_ , to get it off his chest, and to search for help.

I guess that part of him won in the end, which was why he blurted out: “Kame has disappeared.”

I choked on my beer at that information. Nakamaru watched me as I coughed, unable to get a grip of myself, unable to breathe. When I somehow had managed to get whatever had been stuck there down my throat, I looked up at him in shock.

“What?!” I asked, incredulous.

“He’s been gone for more than a week!” Nakamaru continued, seeming breathless. “Nobody knows where he is! He didn’t take his cell phone, and he didn’t contact anyone!”

“How-? What-?” I stuttered, trying to collect my thoughts, but it was hard, when everything in my head seemed to be running into each other. It had always been like this when it came to Kame – somehow, he had always managed to make me unable to think clearly. “Start from the beginning, please!”

“It all happened last Tuesday” Nakamaru sighed, putting down his bottle of beer in frustration, looking at me. “We didn’t even have a clue that anything could be wrong! Everything seemed normal! I mean, sure, he was working awfully hard, but he always does, right?”

“Yeah” I nodded, agreeing with him.

“And then, suddenly, without a warning, he snapped!” he explained. “I don’t even know what started it anymore – I think it was some comment our manager made, about the track list for the next tour. I think Kame wanted to skip Real Face or something, and our manager said that we couldn’t, and then, at some point, he just freaked out and was shouting!” Nakamaru wasn’t looking at me anymore – he seemed to be remembering the events of said day, turned into himself, seeing everything in his mind. “It was scary, really” he murmured. “I have never seen Kame like that. Usually, he doesn’t freak out, but takes things quietly.”

I could see where he was coming from. Kame would not show it easily when he was mad – at least not by confronting someone and fighting with them. He would present people the cold shoulder, rather than shout at them.

“What happened then?” I inquired, somehow breathless.

“He shouted that all the work was shoved onto him” he answered, gulping. “That no one was ever helping him with anything, and that everyone took it for granted that he always overworked himself to keep everything going. That nobody ever cared for how he was feeling, or ever asked if it was all too much. That he was tired of it.”

“It’s not like Kame to say something like that” I frowned. “I mean, yeah, maybe… maybe he is right. There has always been an awful lot of pressure on him, but he always wanted it that way.”

“I know, right?” Nakamaru nodded. “Which is why nobody had ever wondered if it was all too much for him. Because we would never have thought that it was.”

“But apparently…” I murmured, trying to get a grip of it in my head. “Has he had some problems lately, which he didn’t know how to deal with?”

_No one can see the truth_ __

“We don’t know” Nakamaru sighed, as if that point had been bothering him all this time. “We never asked, and he never said anything by himself… We probably should have just asked from time to time how he was doing, and if everything was alright, but somehow… We just assumed that it was.”

“Did he say anything more?” I asked him.

“After that, everything kind of went out of hand” Nakamaru murmured with a pained expression. “We just stood there, totally taken aback, and our manager got defensive and told him he was acting like a diva or something. That if” he shot a short embarrassed look at me before continuing. “if he wanted to pull an Akanishi and leave, he should just say it!”

I gulped. It was a blow in my stomach that my departure from the band had been received like this. But on the other hand, it was not like I had not known that before.

“And then, Kame shouted that maybe, he should.” Nakamaru continued. “And then he went, just like this. We haven’t heard of him since.”

“What do you mean, _just like this_?!” I demanded. “Have you been to his apartment? Have you called his family?!”

“Sure we did!” Nakamaru nodded. “When he didn’t appear to rehearsals the next day, we went to his flat, figuring we would have a talk with him. When he didn’t open the door, Koki used the extra key Kame had given him in cases of emergencies – but it was no use. He was gone, along with half of his clothes. He left his cell phone and his lap top, apparently not wanting to be reached.”

“And his family?” I asked.

“We were… kind of careful about this subject” Nakamaru murmured. “We didn’t want to worry them, so we just called and asked if Kame was with them, because he had taken some holidays from work and we wanted to know how to reach him. They told us he was not there. We convinced them that it was nothing to worry about, that he was probably just taking some time off, traveling around, but I think they were worried as it was. We didn’t want to freak them out, so we just decided to wait. We thought he would be back in a few days.”

“But he wasn’t” I reminded him.

“No” he sighed in frustration. “And we’re worried crazy! What has gotten into him, Jin?! This is not like him!”

“It’s not like him at all” I nodded, fear gripping around my stomach, squeezing down on it.

“What are we going to do if he doesn’t turn up next week either?!” he demanded. “We promised our manager he would be back by next Monday, to just give him a week and a half off, to give him some time… But now, it’s already Friday! If this continues, we’ll need to alert his family! Maybe even the police! Who knows what happened to him?! And if we do, it will be all over the press, and-“ Nakamaru cut himself off, looking at me in desperation. “We don’t know what to do!”

_Something is blocking my blank mind_ __

“Have you – have you searched his flat?” I asked, trying to think rationally through the panic that was clouding my mind. “His lap top? You said the left it! His phone!”

“Of course we searched his flat” he murmured. “But there was nothing to find, nothing that could tell us where he went, no booking confirmation, nothing! The last calls he took on his phone were from work, before the whole fight had started. Afterwards, he had ignored everything. And his computer is locked off with a password.”

“And you were not able to pick that?!” I scoffed. “You’ve known him for how long?! It can’t be that difficult!!”

“We tried!” Nakamaru said defensively. “But nothing worked, okay?! It’s always easy to talk if you haven’t tried it for yourself!”

“Fine” I snapped, putting my bottle down on the table as well, a little too forceful – some of the beer swapped over, onto my hand and the table’s surface. “Then call Koki for the key! We will go!”

Nakamaru stared at me, frozen.

“What? _You_ want to go?” he asked, flabbergasted.

“Sure I want to!” I said loudly. “You can’t tell me all of this and expect me not to worry!”

_It’s just a mistake that I’ve been repeating_ __

“But – but you and Kame haven’t talked in ages!” he reminded me, hitting me right there where it hurt. “You are not friends anymore, or even on speaking terms!”

I took a shaky breath, trying to gulp it down, but it was hard, because it was the truth. As bitter and painful as it was, it stayed true.

“It was not me who searched the distance to him” I murmured, having difficulties to get the words out. “I don’t say that I’m innocent, but the step came from him. I never decided that I wanted to put an end to the friendship. He did. And even though I tried to accept that, it doesn’t mean that I can stop caring about him just like that!” I looked at Nakamaru, who seemed stunned – I had never spoken to anyone this openly about my feelings towards all of this, not even Pi when he had asked. I had wanted to forget it, to gulp it down – but how was I supposed to pretend that it didn’t bother me at all when he just disappeared like that?! “Kame and I have been practically glued to each other when we were younger!” I continued. “We were so close, there were times he knew me even better than I knew myself! You can’t just write a person this important off like that! So you can’t just tell me about him disappearing and expect that I won’t care, that I won’t be worried sick as well! Because I am!”

Nakamaru gulped, not looking at me as he said: “But I think… I think Kame would be even madder if we involved you. And we want him to come back, right?”

“I don’t care if Kame wants me involved or not!” I suddenly yelled, feeling at my emotional limit. Because, fuck, how could they want to exclude me?! Kame had managed successfully to do that in the past, but he was not going to do it again! “He has always been part of my life, and he will always be!”

I balled my hand into a fist to keep it from shaking as I looked at Nakamaru, breathless. He was quiet for a moment, before he nodded.

“Fine” he said. “Let’s call Koki.”

I let out a sigh of relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/09/08/multichapter-kizuna-chapter-1/


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by Stormy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I wanted to post the chapter last night, but then I watched Long Love Letter and my internet was cut of and… You get the drift ;) Now, onto the second (and already second last, the third one is the last chapter ^^’) chapter. All of you wondered where Kame disappeared to. Now Jin is going to find out ;)

„I don’t know what we are even doing here“ Koki groaned as we walked up the stairs to Kame’s apartment, glaring at me, but continuing to speak to Nakamaru instead of me. “Kame would kill us if he knew that we are bringing _him_ to his flat!”

“Maybe he will see something that we couldn’t!” Nakamaru tried to reason with him. “They’ve been very close at some point.”

“But that’s been years ago!” Koki snapped. “In between, Akanishi just disappeared to America without even telling us! Such a good friend he is, right?!”

I tried to gulp it down, all of Koki’s side blows against me. It was not like I had expected anything else. I had been unfair, in the way I had left, in the way I had treated the rest of the band. I had had my reasons, but still – I had brought their wrath onto me, and accepted the consequences.

I had chosen consciously to separate myself from them; to separate myself from Kame.

_It’s okay for my steps to continue, these hands have separated_

“No matter what might or might not have happened” Nakamaru clarified as we reached Kame’s front door. “There was a time Jin knew Kame better than we did. And we are desperate, right? So let’s just try it!”

Koki growled, reminding me of an angry wolf, before he got out the key, unlocking the door. He stepped aside, holding the door open for me, giving me a fake smile.

“Search, track dog!” he demanded.

I didn’t answer, just stepping inside. The familiar smell that reminded me so much of the person that had once been closest to me hit me so intensely when I entered that I felt dizzy for a moment. I stopped, taking in my surroundings.

It seemed like nothing had changed – everything was still the same as the last time I had been here, and it screamed Kame’s name from every corner – from the way photos of his friends and family were pinned to a pin board in the corridor (the one that I had remembered him keeping from us was missing), to a stuffed animal his niece had given him on the couch, to his neatly organized collection of CD’s and DVD’s.

_Walking away from where you continue to live_

I was torn from my trance when Koki pushed me, reminding me to remove my shoes. I did so reluctantly, reminding myself of why I was here.

We needed to find out where Kame had disappeared to. That was all that mattered now – not the way that I was missing one of the best friends I had ever had.

So I finally stepped inside, the first location I looked at being the kitchen. I remembered Kame always pinning his appointments, notes and everything he needed to remember to his fridge, so I made my way over to it, scanning the papers that were attached to it with magnets.

There was nothing of importance, though – a few missed appointments for work, a calendar that had been neatly led until the day he left, but ignored afterwards.

I took a further look around in the kitchen, but there was nothing out of the ordinary – everything was neatly put away, the way I remembered it from Kame. He had never much liked chaos.

My eyes fell to the dog bowl on the floor.

“Where is Ran-Chan?” I asked Koki and Nakamaru as they entered, referring to Kame’s little dog.

“Apparently, he took her” Nakamaru answered.

“At least that fits him” Koki murmured, sitting down on an unoccupied kitchen chair. “He’s far too responsible to leave his dog alone for this long.”

“He would never do that” I shook my head, agreeing with him. “He’s far too fond of her.”

I still remembered the day we had bought our dogs – we had gone together. He had fallen in love with the little Ran-Chan immediately. It was fitting that he would take her when he decided to disappear.

“I’m gonna have a look at the living room” I told them. Koki just nodded, staying where he was, but Nakamaru followed, looking around himself, but with a face that showed no trace of optimism.

I took in the state of Kame’s living room. Nothing seemed amiss, from the way each book was stuffed away neatly in its shelf to the way a blazer of his hung over the door to dry. It bucked me – how could someone disappear just like that, without leaving a trace?

“Did you find anything?” Koki called from the kitchen, seeming bored. “Can we go now?”

I ignored him, walking over to the book shelf, tracing my fingers over the books, searching.

“What are you looking for?” Nakamaru asked, frowning.

“That one book…” I murmured, gasping when I finally found it. Kame had always been keeping one fake book in his book shelf, as long as I remembered. It looked like a normal book on the surface, but it was hollow inside. He used to keep money and valuable things in it.

When I laid it down on the couch table, opening it, Nakamaru gasped, stepping closer.

“What is that?” he whispered, looking at me in shock.

“Some kind of secret hiding place of his” I murmured, disappointed when I opened it and there was nothing in it but a few yen bills. “Didn’t you know about it?”

“No” Nakamaru murmured, thoughtful. “I guess it is good that we brought you here, after all.

“Well, it would be better if I actually found something!” I murmured, closing the book again, stuffing it back where it belonged.

“I’d better let you search” Nakamaru sighed, turning around to leave the room. “I’ll calm down Koki to keep him off your back.”

“Thanks” I said, taking another look around, but I was pretty sure there was nothing to be found in the living room. Everything looked too regular.

So I crossed the room towards the door of the bedroom, pushing it open.

I stood, blinking when I opened it. It was the first room that actually looked as if something was out of the ordinary.

Kame’s bed was not made – the blankets were still pulled back, messed up. On the floor lay some spare clothes he had dropped, maybe while packing his bag. The cupboard stood open, half empty and a mess. I spotted a few scrunched papers on the ground, and a lot more sprawled over his desk.

If I had been searching for the proof that he had left in a hurry, here it was. I entered the room, careful not to step on any clothes on the floor, looking around. I picked up one of the papers on the floor, looking at it.

Track lists. Tour arrangements. Song lyrics. It was all stuff related to KAT-TUN.

Kame must have been really frustrated to throw around things like this. It was not like him at all. He was diligent in his role as the leader of the band.

So what had happened to make him throw it all away like that, like he had done with the papers? KAT-TUN was his life, after all! I just couldn’t believe that he could be sick of it in any way!

I sat down on the bed, staring into the room, the open questions pressing down on my mind.

Kame, what was wrong? Where were you? What had happened? Why couldn’t you talk to anyone about it? You had so many people worrying about you…

_Until I become worn out I keep prolonging it_

In frustration, I kicked a paper ball on the floor, watching how it bounced against the wall. As my leg swung back, underneath the bed, I hit something with my heel. I frowned, squirming to throw a look under the bed.

There was a single shoe box stuffed under it, the lid only half covering it. I stretched, half crawling under the bed before I could grab it, pulling it out. I sat down again, balancing the box on my knees, looking at it hesitantly for a moment before opening it.

I needed a few seconds to realize what was inside. There were a dozen of photos, a few CDs and a DVD, and some small things, like a bracelet or a key chain… It was only when I picked up a torn piece of a photo, looking at it, that I realized what it was.

I saw my teenage face smiling back up at me, my arm around Kame’s shoulder, and my breath caught.

This had been the photo of us that Kame had had pinned to the pin board in the corridor. _All_ of the photos were photos of us, or me alone, made throughout the years we had known each other – in our junior days, after we debuted… The DVD was my Yellow Gold Tour DVD, and one of the CDs was my single Eternal – the others were burned by him, probably containing more photos, videos or other memories of us. The necklace was one I had once given him to his birthday. The key chain he had purchased when we had been in Okinawa as Juniors.

Why did Kame have a box with things of me stuffed under his bed?

“Jin, did you find anything?” Nakamaru called, and I heard footsteps – quickly, I shrugged out of my jacket, wrapping the box in it to hide it from Nakamaru’s eyes.

“No” I said, trying to not look too caught when he came into view. “But I was just about to try the laptop.”

“Well, do as you please” he sighed, pointing to said object on the KAT-TUN documents covered desk. “But I told you, it is password protected. I don’t think you’ll be able to-“

“Just let me try” I interrupted him, standing up to sit down on the chair in front of the desk, sweeping a few more papers aside.

I turned on the laptop, and Nakamaru and I were silent as we waited impatiently, until finally, the password field popped open.

I stared at it, trying to think. I tried Ran-Chan’s name with his birth year, but it was wrong. Then I tried the name of his niece and her birth year, and then KAT-TUN and our debut year, but it was no use.

Well, not that I would have expected it to be this easy. The others could have done it if it was.

I stared at the desktop, trying to think, and Nakamaru sighed, turning around to leave the room again.

I gulped before typing in a new idea, almost embarrassed about trying, but then again, who knew?

 _k-i-z-u-n-a-1-9-8-4_ – my birth year. I held my breath as I pressed “Enter”.

_That time, that place, it will never disappear – this bond_

I gasped when the lap top accepted the password, and his desktop appeared.

“I’ve got it!” I called incredulous, and Nakamaru whirled around, staring.

“You’re kidding, right?” he called, hurrying over to me, looking over my shoulder. “How did you do that?!”

I didn’t answer – instead, I opened his emails, ignoring the new ones he was receiving, skipping right to the last one before he had left.

“Here is a booking confirmation!” I whispered, opening it. “For a flight to Okinawa!”

“Okinawa?!” Nakamaru repeated, excited. “You mean he is in Okinawa?!”

And then, everything clicked inside of me. I knew where he was. Why hadn’t I thought of it sooner?

Probably because I wouldn’t have thought that he still cared. That he hadn’t long forgotten.

“Koki!” Nakamaru called through the flat. “He is in Okinawa!”

“WHAT?!” was Koki’s incredulous response, and I heard his chair squeal as it moved over the floor, and fast steps as he ran through the apartment. “You are kidding, right?”

“No, Jin found the booking confirmation!” Nakamaru explained, and as soon as I knew, Koki was pulling me off the chair, sitting down to have a look himself.

“Is there also an email from a hotel or something?” he murmured, looking through the messages.

“No” I shook my head, looking at Nakamaru. “But we don’t need it. I’m pretty sure I know where he is.”

Nakamaru stared, and Koki looked up, seeming as if he wanted to punch me.

“THEN TELL US!” he shouted. “We need to fly over there immediately!”

“I will” I murmured, hesitantly. “But only if you let me come along.”

Koki looked as if he wanted to kill me. Then he got up, grabbing my collar, wanting to shout something more, but Nakamaru interrupted him.

“Let him fly alone” he murmured, still looking at me.

Koki turned around, looking at his band mate as if he had gone insane.

“WHAT?!”

“Just think about it, Koki!” Nakamaru called. “We’ve been trying desperately to find any trace of him for almost two weeks, and then Jin comes, and finds him in the matter of an hour! That’s got to mean something!”

“The two are not even talking!” Koki protested.

“But still, he has that kind of bond to him that we will never have!” he shouted, silencing Koki. “Kame would have called us if he wanted to talk to us” he added, his voice weaker now. “He never did. So let Jin have a try.”

Koki turned around to glare at me, before turning back to Nakamaru.

“I can’t believe – you – FINE!” he spat. “We’ll let him go. For now. If he’s not called us by tomorrow night, we will go too, both to find Kame and to trace down Akanishi and kill him!”

With that, he left the room, fuming with anger. Nakamaru looked up at me, his eyes pleading.

“Find him and bring him back, okay?” he asked quietly.

I nodded, giving a promise that I was not quite sure I could keep. But god, I would try.

“COME ON! LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!” Koki yelled through the flat, and Nakamaru nodded, turning to leave the room too. I hesitated for a moment before taking my jacket, holding it close to my chest, careful not to smash the box inside it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/09/13/multichapter-kizuna-chapter-2/


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Banner by Stormy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, here we have the last chapter, and the answer to all your questions. Have fun with it! ^^

I was on the plane to Okinawa, Kame’s shoe box with our memories on my lap, skipping through the photos inside.

As soon as I had gotten home, I had packed, booking the first flight this morning to Okinawa. Hell, I would have still flown yesterday, if there had been any more flights available. But as there weren’t, I had had to live through a couple of endlessly sleepless hours before it was finally time for me to go to the airport.

I had spent most of the night going through the contents of this box as well, looking at every photo, watching the little videos we had filmed during tour or on film sets… They were all private things, nothing official, and it made it still harder to look at them.

It made me wonder how we had managed to drift so far apart. We had been so close once. It would have been no lie if I had said he was the one closest to me.

And then, suddenly, it had all been gone. I had not understood it myself until today – it seemed like from one day to another, Kame had decided he didn’t want me in his life anymore, and he had stuck to it.

Dodging my calls. Turning down invitations from me. Not answering my emails. Not responding when I asked him what was wrong. Until I just stopped asking, and we stopped talking altogether.

I had never understood what really had happened. Why Kame had decided to distance himself so much from me… I just knew that it had hurt like hell. So much that I had not been able to take it anymore, and after a while, had left KAT-TUN.

I had wanted to put an end to it for myself, this was why I had made such a clean cut. Not telling them goodbye. Not promising them to call. I had wanted to move on.

Well, look how far I got – onto a plane towards wherever _he_ was. It seemed like somehow, something always turned up again to draw me back to Kame.

_In time that flows, I try not to lose anything_

I looked at the photo he had torn, gulping at the sight of it. I had fixed it with tape at home, doing my best to restore it as much as I could.

It had been taken in Okinawa, when we had still been Juniors. It was like, every time I thought about my teenage days, I would think of that time in Okinawa, and of Kame. We had been close before, but after that, we had really bonded, being inseparable ever since.

I had never had an explanation for it. Kame and I had always been so different, and we would be bickering all over the place, him always scolding me… But we just clicked. It felt like my world fell into place when he was around.

_Passing by, we collided – true emotion_

I wanted that again. I wanted him in my life again. I had never stopped wanting that, never stopped missing him… Even though I had never voiced it, pretending that I didn’t care any longer… But I did.

I had promised myself to let it rest, to not hang after something lost, when he had moved on… But apparently, he hadn’t. And this was what made me throw all my resolutions out of the window, to fly after him, and make him come back. Both to Tokyo, and into my life.  
 _  
Permeated my heart, into warm desires_

After I had landed, I took a taxi from the airport. I told the driver the address and was quiet when he drove, looking out of the window, trying to spot anything familiar in my surroundings.

The box had been safely stuffed back into my backpack, but the fixed photo of me and Kame in Okinawa was still in the pocket of my jacket.

When we arrived at the hotel near the beach we had been to as Juniors, it hit me hard – all the memories, all the emotions… It made me want to tear up, but I tried to get a grip of myself. It was not right to linger right now – I was on a mission. I had to find him.

So I got out of the car, paid the driver, and entered the hotel, looking around. I was not familiar with this building – when we had been here as Juniors, we had camped on the beach. I just had remembered that this hotel had been nearby. Kame would not camp these days, that much was for sure.

I went to the counter, staring at the friendly looking old lady behind it. I wondered if she would just let me see him if I asked. But maybe she didn’t even know him, or me, for that matter – she might have been slightly over that age already.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“I’m here to visit someone” I said hesitantly, trying to test her reaction.

“Sure. Tell me the name” she nodded, reaching for the phone as if wanting to alert the person I wanted to see.

“Ka-Kamenashi Kazuya” I said slowly, waiting for her reaction. She blinked, drawing her hand back.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t have a guest of that name” she said slowly. “Are you sure you have the right hotel?”

My heart sank. So did that mean he was not here? I had been wrong all along?

Maybe it had been stupid to think he was still hanging after this. Maybe I had misunderstood, and… But then, why the box?

But suddenly, I had a flashback. It had been after we had debuted, shortly before I had gone to America in 2006 – we had been watching a movie in his flat, and one of the characters, one that had been famous, had given the hotel a wrong name to not be found.

 _“I would do the same thing, if I wanted to disappear for a while”_ Kame had joked. _“I mean, what use would it be if every fan could just ask at the reception to get my room number?!”_

 _“So, what name would you use?”_ I had asked, chuckling.

 _“I don’t know”_ he had mused, contemplating. _“Maybe the name of a drama role of mine.”_

I looked back at the old lady, blurting out the first name I could think of.

“Odagiri Ryu!”

I held my breath as the lady raised an eyebrow at me, before saying: “Odagiri-San just left a few minutes ago to walk his dog on the beach. I’m sure you can still catch him if you want to.”

My heart stopped for a moment. So I had been right? He was here?

“Thank you” I whispered, before turning around, starting to run.

The wind was cold as I walked down the white sand banks, looking out for any sign of living, but there was none. It was already autumn, no vacation time, and that was why I guessed that few people were here at such days, where the sun was not out and the sky was dark, alerting people of a storm that might or might not be coming.

I zipped up my jacket, feeling slightly cold as I walked down the beach, knowing that I was so close to finding him, and yet, he seemed so far.

It was then that I heard a dog barking. I looked around frantically, turning around, my eyes catching a little creature as it turned up behind a single cliff.

“Ran-Chan!” I called, and the dog turned to me, as if recognizing its name, before barking excitedly and running towards me, jumping up at my feet. I bend down to pet her, being ridiculously happy to see her, and amazed about the way she seemed to remember me after such a long time, when I heard a whistle.

Ran-Chan tensed, looking into the direction she had just come from, as if deciding whether to run back or just stay, and I followed her gaze, holding my breath, waiting.

“Raaaan-Chan!” I heard Kame’s affectionate voice, and then he turned up behind the cliff, looking around. He froze when he spotted me, staring.

Ran-Chan barked and ran back to her master, jumping at his feet, searching for attention, but his eyes were fixed on me.

_The miracle I requested came about by chance_

Kame was the first one to speak, his voice low and reserved.

“What are you doing here?”

I took in a deep breath, my eyes not leaving his as I stood up again, stepping closer.

“I came to find you” I answered. “Everyone is worried about you.”

Kame averted his eyes at that phrase, looking at Ran-Chan, who had become quite still, as if sensing the atmosphere. I stopped when I was right in front of him, close enough to touch him, but I didn’t. I knew he would have pushed me away.

“What’s wrong, Kame?” I asked, watching his face. “This is not like you, disappearing like that, without letting people know where you are. Skipping work.”

Kame didn’t answer; instead, he turned around, starting to walk. I followed him, staying close behind.

“You’ve been running long enough, Kame” I told him. “It’s time you talked.”

“It’s nothing, okay?” he snapped, not stopping to look at me. “Just the pressure was becoming too much, that’s all.”

“Don’t lie to me” I demanded. “You practically live on pressure. It has never bothered you. There has to be something else.” My voice grew softer as I added: “Tell me, Kazuya.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” he blew me off, still not turning around to face me.

My hand wandered into the pocket of my jacket, closing around the photo in it.

“Fine” I murmured. “You don’t leave me any other choice.” With that, I grabbed his arm, making him stop to turn around and face me. I looked into his eyes as I shoved the photo into his hand.

He frowned, looking down at it, before his eyes grew wide in shock.

_Even when things couldn’t stand still, amidst the pain_

“Ho-How did you-?” he stuttered, staring at it.

“How did you think I found you?!” I demanded. “I was in your apartment. And I found the box under your bed.” Kame was still staring at the photo in his hand, not answering. “Kame, TALK TO ME!” I demanded. “There you went, making me feel like you hated me and I didn’t matter to you at all, and then I find out you have a box with photos of me under your bed! What am I supposed to make out of that?!”

“Nothing” Kame shouted suddenly, looking up at me, his hand balling into a fist, scrunching the photo in it. “It’s none of your business, okay?! Just leave me alone!”

Almost automatically, I reached for his arm, holding it still. Carefully, I took it out of his hand. Kame frowned, watching as I tried to flatten it, looking at it longingly.

“Kame, what did I do?” I whispered, pleading. “What did I do to make you back away from me like that? I never understood.”

Kame was quiet for a moment, before he murmured: “That’s right, you _never understood._ ”

“What did I not understand?” I demanded, my voice desperate. “Just tell me. Put me out of my misery.”

I waited, but he didn’t speak. And when he didn’t, I stepped even closer, meaning to shake him or do _something_ to get to him, but Kame backed away, saying: “Don’t come closer.”

“Why?!” I asked, freezing.

“You just don’t _understand_!” he yelled, closing his eyes, bringing a hand to his hair, fisting it in frustration. “You never understood, and you always did it, always being too close, always invading my personal space, _just not understanding_ … I couldn’t take it!” He looked up at me, his face vulnerable and his eyes full of pain when he yelled: “I love you!”

I just stared, not moving. There was a lightning, and thunder following it, and raindrops hit my face, but I ignored it, my eyes fixed on Kame as he continued.

_I saw the light, because we were bound together_

“I’ve loved you all this freaking time, ever since we were teenagers! And I just couldn’t take it, because you would have never understood, and so I-“

“This is why you left?” I whispered, my heart pounding against my chest painfully. “This is why you backed away from me?! Because you loved me?!”

“What was I supposed to do?!” he demanded, and I could see the tears in his eyes, and it made me feel helpless and incapable of anything. “I would have never been able to forget about you if I hadn’t-“

“Did you really forget me?” I interrupted him, hanging on his lips, praying for the right answer.

He chuckled without humor, biting his lip to keep the tears from spilling over, before he answered: “Would I be here if I had?!”

It was enough for me, enough to make me cross the distance and pull him into me, covering his lips with mine. I moved one hand to his cheek, holding his face close, feeling a tear hit my fingers as it rolled down his cheeks, continuing to kiss him with all I had.

_It’s okay if you lied, and it’s okay to cry_

I had not been aware that what I felt for Kame was actually much more than friendship, but now, when he had told me about his feelings, it had all fallen into place. It explained _everything_ , why losing him had hurt so much, why I had always missed him, never been able to forget him, why my heart had stopped the moment I had heard that there was something wrong with him.

It just explained why we had always had such a bond to another.

_That time, that place, it will never disappear – this bond._

The rain poured down on us hard, and Ran-Chan was whimpering, but we didn’t notice as we kissed, too caught up in our own world, in this feeling of finally being able to touch and hold each other.

We broke apart when there was an especially loud role of thunder, and Ran-Chan yowled. We looked at each other, and I reached out to stoke some of his wet hair out of his face.

“Let’s get inside” I whispered. Kame only nodded.

When we arrived at Kame’s room, Ran-Chan immediately dashed away from us, probably to find a warm cuddly place to calm herself down at. As soon as the door closed behind us, I pulled Kame into me again. I didn’t care that we were soaked and dripping – I just needed to hold him close, needed it to ensure me that this was not a fantasy brought on by my lack of sleep.

“Never turn away from me again” I whispered, kissing his temple, closing my eyes. “Never do that to me again, okay? I can’t take it!”

“I don’t think I had the strength to do it even if I wanted to” he murmured, burying his face in the crook of my neck. “Do you have any idea how much this whole thing was eating on me?”

“Is that why you came here?” I asked.

“Yes” he nodded. “It was all becoming too much. Everything about KAT-TUN reminded me of you, and I just – I needed to get away. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“You scared hell out of the others” I informed him. “They were all blaming themselves for never noticing that something was wrong with you.”

“It’s not like I did anything to let them know, either” he shrugged.”I guess I’ll have to apologize to them.”

“If you don’t want Koki to kill me, you better should” I nodded.

“Why should he kill _you_ if _I_ don’t apologize to them?” he frowned, finally looking up at me.

“Because he told me if they hadn’t heard anything from you by tonight, he would trace me down and let me suffer for going alone to find you.” Kame bit his lip to keep from laughing. “That’s not funny!” I told him.

“You’re right” he chuckled. “It’s not.”

I rolled my eyes, grinning myself, happy to see him smile again. I had missed that sparkle in his eyes so much.

“Come on” he murmured, intertwining our hands with each other before pulling me down the room. He opened the cupboard, getting out a towel, reaching it to me. “You should get under the shower, we are both all wet. You did bring a change of clothes, right? You go first, and I-“

“Don’t be ridiculous!” I chuckled, pulling him towards the bathroom with me. Kame blushed slightly, but didn’t put up any resistance, and I felt giddy, like we were teenagers again – two silly Juniors sleeping in a tent together, taking all through the night, giggly and excited.

I should have found out back then. It would have made everything so much better.

The bathroom door fell closed behind us, and I turned to Kame again, not wasting a second to engage him into another kiss. Kame responded eagerly, hugging me close, opening his mouth to grant me access to touch my tongue with his.

It didn’t take us long to shed our clothing. We were both eager to get out of the wet things, and eager to feel the other even more intimate.

The hot water felt heavenly on my skin, but not as good as Kame’s hands as they ran over my back, sliding easily over the hot skin until they found my hair, running his fingers through it.

I sneaked my hands around his waist, tracing the skin I found – it felt so incredibly sensual to touch him and be touched by him. So much better than anything I had experienced before.

It was like the water from the spray blended in with the sensations we brought to one another, underlining it pleasurably, making it all the more intense.

We were both hard when our shafts rubbed against each other for the first time, accidentally. Kame moaned, and we looked at each other, both breathing hard. I brought a hand down between us, catching both of our shafts with it, rubbing them together, creating pleasurable friction, stroking over them. We both moaned together at the intensity of the feeling, and Kame’s hand joined mine, joining in the gentle but intense touches we shared, bringing each other higher and higher.

I leaned down, kissing Kame again, adding the feeling of our tongues moving against each other to the mass of feelings that were pressing down on me, slowly becoming too much for me to bear.

Kame shifted me in his hand, pressing my tip against him, moaning out my name in the process, and it went through me like electricity. I rubbed his sensitive tip, making him rest his forehead against my shoulder to keep himself standing. He thrust against me, and it brought me over the edge, clinging to him, making him come from the added force of my movements, too.

The sound of the water drowned our heavy breathing, but as we were so close, holding each other, we could still hear it.

Our little bubble burst when Ran-Chan jumped against the door, barking. Kame chuckled, and I shook my head, murmuring: “Your dog is a coward, Kamenashi!”

“She is a girl, she has a right to be” he shot back. “Maybe we need to reunite her with Pin to protect her.”

“Does that mean you’ll come back home?” I whispered, hopeful.

“Yeah” he nodded, leaning up to kiss me. “I’ll need to calm down the rest of KAT-TUN before they find some weapons to use against you, right?”

“That would be nice” I grinned, sucking in his lower lip.

We squealed when we ran out of hot water, the cold spray hitting us, distraction us from our kiss. Ran-Chan whimpered when she heard us laughing hysterically, scratching the door.

_That time, that place, it will never disappear – this bond_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2011/09/15/multichapter-kizuna-chapter-3/


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